Remarkably Unremarkable – But Happy

“I live in that solitude, which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.”
– Albert Einstein

“As my late mother famously observed, the one thing to be said for growing old is that every year there are a few more things I don’t have to give a rat’s ass about.”
– Lawrence Block

“By my rambling digressions I perceive myself to be growing old.”
– Benjamin Franklin

It occurred to me the other day that I am probably not going to be elected President of the United States. Heck I probably won’t even be Governor of the State of Minnesota. Well that is kind of silly – did I really THINK I was going to be the POTUS or the GOTSMN?!?! (I just made that second acronym up.) Well not really on any rational level of thinking. As I have said before we were taught from birth that we were nothing special – all that we had to distinguish us was our adherence to our family values of hard work, honesty and godliness. So, what in the world would make me think that I was something special – that I would DO something special in this world? Well, I guess nothing…………… except if I look deep into my soul, something inside there DID think that I was bound for great things or at least note-worthy things. Ohhh, I think for the most part I have been modest and often even self-deprecating. (Given my track record those weren’t all THAT hard to do.) But I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit that at some level, I thought that I would somehow be different than my peers.

I thought I would be healthier than others – after all, following some self-abuse with overeating, over-working and otherwise overindulging in my 20’s and 30’s, I started to take care of myself a little more. I started running and watching my weight and eating a little better. (Janice would dispute that last one.) And for a while there I DID seem frightfully healthy. Sure, I had some high blood pressure, but losing some weight and getting some exercise took care of that. And I did have that V-Block or V-Notch or something weird like that with my heart rhythm, but that never stopped me from running. And I guess I did have some kidney stones – umm I guess I still do make some of those. Oh, and there was that thing with my gall bladder, but I got that sucker removed and that was the end of that. Yeah, and I guess there was that thing with the diverticulitis, but that colon surgery really took care of that. And with the thousands of miles of running there was the traditional knee surgery, but I wear some braces and that is no problem whatsoever. Geez this is starting to not sound so good.

But my heart was SOUND – I could still run a 5K or 10K race without even huffing and puffing. Well actually that started to get a little more difficult over the last couple of years. I had always prided myself on a low heart rate – a product of being in great condition. It turned out, not-so-much. It was actually bradycardia – a condition characterized by a heart rate that is too slow. And when they were checking on that they found that I had atrial fibrillation. There were a few other things along the way but I am getting depressed and you get the picture. Still, I count myself lucky because there are many others with lots bigger problems than me. But I am not that much healthier than most people my age.

OK, but I thought I would be RICHER and more successful than others. In some of my past confessions I talked about my business failures. I found my self at age 40 with NOTHING other than some lingering debt – a net worth of less than zero. But again, I have been blessed so richly. I found great jobs and married Janice, a SECOND wonderful woman who has stood beside me through difficult times as Pam did before. And little by little we were able to raise our kids, get them though college, put food on the table, clothing on their backs and get them on their ways. We buckled down and got our house paid for and have been able to retire. I don’t take this for granted, we are more secure than so many people our age. We are blessed to be able to live a modest retirement. But clearly our riches are NOT particularly noteworthy.

So, what is this all about? Maybe it is some of those rambling digressions Franklin was talking about. In my younger days growing old was kind of academic. You know, you understand and accept it as a physical reality that will happen SOMEDAY. But that someday was always out there on the horizon and really didn’t concern me. I was still bound for greater things. It is clear now that this is no longer the case if it ever was. I was living life forward but now can look backward and understand more.

Clearly, I am not rich or famous or wise. As I have grown older, I have disabused myself of the illusions of grandeur more and more. And I am thinking that this is the beginning of a piece of wisdom. A part of this wisdom as Block notes, is that it is easier for me to accept things now than it was in the past. Some of that may just be fatigue, but I think there is wisdom in it too. There is something “delicious” in this “maturity” I am learning about. As Oscar Wilde said I no longer SUSPECT everything, and neither do I feel that I KNOW everything. But amazingly I am OK with not knowing. I am OK with saying that there are answers I don’t have and things that I can’t explain. It is quite liberating.

Oh, and there is so much joy even in this world of suffering. We saw it when we worked in Haiti – such poverty and such happiness. We have food to eat, clothing to wear and a roof that doesn’t leak over our heads. But more than that we have our families to delight in, to revel in, to laugh with and to love. We are so rich. And I AM famous – to our kids and their spouses and to my nine grandchildren. They don’t know about my checkered past and they don’t even care. And to be honest about it, part of the wisdom I have gained is to know that THEY are really the only ones whose opinions of me matter. Maybe that brings me full circle to what my parents taught us – if we really adhere to our family values we ARE of worth. I feel better. I guess I am plenty rich and famous enough!!