Doors Marked Nevermore

“The days of wine and roses laugh and run away like a child at play
Through the meadow land toward a closing door
A door marked “nevermore” that wasn’t there before”

From the Song “The Days of Wine and Roses” – Johnny Mercer and Henry Mancini

When I started with the Commonwealth of Commonsense, I was enthused about writing down the thoughts that were rattling around in my head. I even explained that enthusiasm in my first post. I did have a concern that I might reach a point where writing with frequency would no longer be fun and become a burden. But I thought that I would have something at least every couple of weeks that would be worth saying. But as you can observe the fount of my wisdom has flowed far less frequently as time has gone on. I didn’t really see this coming, but I often just do not feel that I have anything to say.

There are a lot of things that I did not see coming. This growing old thing is different than I thought it would be. I have talked before about how we were taught that we were nothing special. We just needed to keep our heads down, work hard, do the right thing and to not get an inflated ego. And if you ask me today, I will still tell you that I am just an average kind of guy, not too strong, not too smart, not too rich, not too successful. But as life goes on, it is becoming more and more clear to me that I have been deluding myself a little bit. Beneath a couple veneered layers of modesty, I really do think that the problems that others experience won’t affect me. And I am kind of surprised when they do!!

I certainly didn’t see this health stuff coming. Through most of my “days of wine and roses” I pretty much thought I was bullet proof. Oh, I had a couple little blips, knee surgery, gall bladder surgery, you know the kind of stuff that you get taken care of and then move on as if nothing ever happened. They were certainly nothing that ever slowed me down from pursuing absolutely anything that I wanted to do. I never missed work and I was always the one that would be in the harness no matter what.

The health issues that I have now are a different kind of thing. Now I have atrial fibrillation and bradycardia. I have one functioning kidney and am prone to kidney stones. Those are not things where you go in for a same-day surgery, get fixed and then forget about them. These are things that will afflict me for the rest of my life, however long that is. And unlike an arthroscopic knee procedure these things DO curtail what I can do- significantly. Like everyone, I certainly knew on a certain level, that I would grow old and that my capabilities would decrease. But as they say, knowing it in your head and knowing it in your heart are two different things. As I walk thorough the meadow land of old age, I am finding several “doors marked nevermore” now that weren’t there before.

Geez, now I am getting depressed. But wait, some of those doors are actually not all bad. Here is an example. When I was a kid, our family visited my Grandpa’s house on Saturday evening. I don’t mean occasionally; I mean EVERY Saturday night. When Christmas Eve was on Saturday evening it felt strange to be in church instead of at Grandpa’s house. And the routine was kind of the same each week. The Moms were in the kitchen talking about Mom kinds of stuff and the Dads and Grandpa were in the living room talking about “important” things – social, economic, and political realities. Before 8:30 PM the conversation was in English but later in the evening or whenever the discussion veered into areas unsuitable for children, the dialogue transitioned directly into German. These discussions often grew pretty heated, most often pitting my Uncle George against my Dad and my Uncle Louis. My Grandpa was at least to our minds, strangely quiet. He sat off to the side in his favorite rocker taking it all in. If queried, he would respond but he felt no need to assert his point of view and seemed to me to be more intent on listening to what other people said. I have observed this with many elderly people. They no longer feel the need to advocate and they really do not care if people think they should. I count this freedom as a blessing.

I have walked through another door. It is called the door of “being-satisfied-with-what-we-have”. This is NOT the door of wealth or even the door of economic well-being. When we are young, we are driven to acquire. Some are not simply driven by the need to acquire, but instead by the need to acquire MORE AND MORE. This rarely ends well. Others of us reach a point where we realize that we will not want to be on the “milk train” for ever and that there will come a point where we might not actually WANT that next promotion and would prefer to give work a much smaller portion of our life. The best financial thing about retirement is that you no longer have to save for retirement. We are far from wealthy, but we are satisfied with what we have and actually would prefer that we have less “stuff”. I realize that no matter what, we will not be multi-millionaires and I have become simply fine with that.

Here is another “door nevermore” that I am fine with. One day our daughter Libby and I were driving down the street, probably heading for some sports thing somewhere, maybe just on an errand. She was in 4th or 5th grade. In any event Libby had reached the point in her life where she was thinking about important issues. Right out of nowhere she asked me about abortion. I explained to her as best I could what was involved. She asked why there was so much disagreement about it. I said that there were multiple points of view and a lot of things to consider. Libby’s eyes have always mesmerized me from the day they handed her to me in the delivery room. She looked at me with those beguiling eyes and said: “But what do WE BELIEVE Dad?” I felt the weight of the world descending on my shoulders. Libby was certain that I was wise, that I had the CORRECT answer about any question and she was totally ready to accept it. (Thankfully, she has now realized how far from truth that was!!!) I no longer bear that burden. I am totally fine with saying; “That is a very difficult question, and I am not certain that I know the right answer”.

So, I am learning to be satisfied, wandering around the meadow land of aging. There are certainly a lot of things I did not anticipate and do not fully understand. It is a lot different than I thought, but not all bad. So, if you thought there would be more thoughts from the Commonwealth of Common Sense, well so did I. But I am fine being like my Grandpa, listening a lot and occasionally talking.